The Cupboard of Shame With G

Featured Image

Players

Squidge

Jay

G

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Content Warning

Because of the nature of the games we discuss in this episode, I would say that this episode should be avoided with little ones and those who might easily take offence to euphemisms.

There are a number of swears, which I’ve bleeped out. And one mention of “Koch”

which sounds like something else, obviously

which isn’t really a swear, but sounds like one.

Notes

We jump into this episode on The Cupboard of Shame with a quick recap of where we were when we last spoke to you all

I’m going to see if I can get that 360 no-scope bit on a T-Shirt, I think

The Cupboard of Shame

First to go in was G’s nomination of Steep, that snowboarding game from Ubisoft. We discussed it in the previous episode and realised that it was a concept not a game.

The first of Squidgey’s games to go in was:

I honestly don’t know what to say about this game other than they certainly knew their target audience.

The blurb on the back of the box reads:

Lock and load!

Become Rubi Malone, a gun for hire equipped with an arsenal of acrobatic moves. Over the top sword kills and dual pistols

Experience the freedom to shoot anytime, anywhere, in an adventure spanning three continents.

Before we moved on to the next one, though, it was time for a Professor Elemental reference

although I’m more partial to Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer, myself

Next up was a game that Jim Sterling had recommended to Squidge

not a personal recommendation, you understand

Squidge

The phrase that he said - this is a direct quote - was ’this game makes Vietnam fun'

The first thing you’ll notice about this game, if you ever see a physical copy of it up close, is that the box art is printed so cheaply that it looks like it’s been photocopied on the original Xerox machine.

But that’s not the best part of the entire box presentation. It’s the tag-line (not seen above) which takes the cake on that one:

You get to win… this time

And then you find out that it’s a rail shooter.

The blurb on the back of the photocopy box reads

Prepare for the ultimate Rambo experience!

Relive the thrills and blood spills of First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part Two, and Rambo Three!

Absolute classic, or what?

Next up was one that I don’t agree with:

And neither did G. In fact, neither of us could really tell why Squidge wanted to put this game into the Cupboard of Shame. That is, until he told us precisely why

you’ll need to listen to the show to find out his reasoning

Then there was:

which was a game where the majority of the budget was spent on getting Bobby Downey Jnr and Terrance Howard to do the voice acting.

Let the generic, fill in the blanks, box blurb paint you a picture:

Become a one-man army! Go beyond the movie and take on enemies in the air, and on the ground, as Iron Man

Customise you suit, equip your weapons, and take to the battlefield

And even more shocking is just how much Squidge paid for this game: full price, at launch.

And then along came the honorable mentions. The first of which was:

I swear that this game was published by Koch Media in the UK.

Next up was:

Which is a stupid little title. If you’re after a game which is just stupidity, you could do a lot worse. But I wouldn’t play this with the goal of plumbing the depths of human experience and high drama.

The blurb tells you everything you want to know about this game:

Zombies suck! Grab a chainsaw and prepare to grind one out.

The twisted minds of Suda51 and famed Hollywood director James Gunn collaborate to deliver a titillating ride into a zombie infested bloodbath.

And the final honorable mention is a strange one. In an episode all about hiding games away, Squidge brought out:

Whilst the box art is a little phoned in

it has the distinct feeling of a 90s WordArt special

the game itself is a spectacular example of survival and psychological horror.

Then I bring a game into the Cupboard of Shame, and with good reason too:

You now possesses

’nuff said.

Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

No that’s not a zing about me getting back to work. Now that the Cupboard of Shame is behind us

and the doors are safely welded shut

we transitioned back into talking nonsense about video games, starting with a story of when he went to G’s house with the full Rckl Band 3 Band-in-a-Box set.

He then tells us a story of when he beat Stormin’ Norm on Soul Calibur.

G

Stormin’ Norm is unable to play as male characters. I think that there’s a genetic marker for it

I then talk about Dark Escape 4D and the latest House of the Dead arcade games, and just how wonderfully creepy, and fun they are to play. And Squidge talks about one of his life goals.

He also tells us of his current nefarious plan: hiring someone to get drunk for him. Honestly, I think this is a genius plan.

Which games would you choose to place in The Cupboard of Shame? Let us know in the comments, via Twitter, or our Facebook page.

Links of Interest

• G’s episodes:
  • Old and New Stomping Grounds
  • Something Something Hacker Edition
  • Multiplayer Shenanigans

External Links of Interest

• Jay & Jay Media
• yurricanes
  • yuricannes helped us to realise the header image for this episode, and has supremely amazing skills
• Professor Elemental
• Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer
• Our Facebook page
• Us on Twitter

Music

Links to the music used in the podcast can be found below. Definitely check them out, because they're amazing tracks by awesome musicians.

• Intro music is Behind the Lines by Ian Sutherland
• Spoiler Break music is Spectrum (Subdiffusion Mix) by Foniqz (BandCamp)
• Pallet Cleanser music is Breath Deep Breath Clear (Wu Chi) by Siobhan Dakay
• Outro Music is I N e e d Y o u 私の側て by G.H (removed from BandCamp)